Dear ones, 
I am incredibly grateful for all your prayers and support over the last several months since my medical leave in November, and felt it was time that I update you on my health. There have been several overlapping factors contributing to my need for rest and healing. Many of you know that last summer I began to experience unaccustomed back pain which stopped my triathlon training and interfered with my daily activities. I began intensive physical therapy in August and am now to the point where I can carry out my daily activities without pain. In addition, I had a cancer scare in the fall. After a negative needle biopsy my doctor recommended removing the entire lesion in November, which turned out to be completely benign. I am now fully recovered from my surgery and cancer free. 

Over the course of the late summer and early fall, in the midst of dealing with this pain and uncertainty, after suddenly losing the biochemical support of all my cardio exercise, and after 18 months of the chronic stress of leading Grace through pandemic and fires, I experienced what I can best describe as a mental, emotional, and spiritual breaking point. In late November, as I shared in my sermon last Sunday, this was diagnosed as an episode of major depressive disorder. This clinical depression is different from the typical sad or low times we all go through, in that it is a slowing of the chemical and electrical signals to the brain. It is also very common, and in the form that I have it, very treatable. I am receiving excellent care from a team of professionals and am much better since December. As I recover, my sleep is vastly improved, I am able to engage more fully in life and work, my energy and focus are getting better, and the hope that held on to on the dark days even as a distant guiding star seems closer and more actionable for me. I am learning a new way of being in the world that will be life-giving and sustainable for me.

I have been on partial disability through the church’s private disability insurance since December and will continue on partial disability at least through the end of February. This allows me to work the hours I am able as I recover, and the church receives some additional income to offset supply clergy and administrative support. Bringing our administrative manager, Sarah Neidhoeffer, on full-time beginning January 1, a move we had been planning for over a year, could not have been better timed. Additionally, I am incredibly grateful for Rev. Wendy’s leadership and for all our staff and leaders who have stepped up to keep our ministry constant during my period of healing. I am well enough to “steer the ship,” and we continue in good hands under the capable leadership of our vestry and staff.

Jesus said, “Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? I’m here inviting outsiders, not insiders—an invitation to a changed life, changed inside and out.” (Luke 5:31-32, The Message). This experience of brokenness and healing has caused me to depend ever more on the Great Physician. I am buoyed up by a deep faith that God is working in me through all of this to change my life, from the inside out, so that I can continue to serve God in a way that is life-giving, sustainable, and real. Please know that I still feel deeply called to ministry in general and the call that God has for us together as priest and beloved congregation of Grace Church. I am still here for you, and I know that many of you are going through similar struggles. I have faith that through all the brokenness we are individually and collectively experiencing now, God is bringing, and will bring, healing and indeed resurrection. 

Resurrection is a process; Jesus’ resurrected body was a new kind of life, one that the disciples didn’t recognize at first and couldn’t control. As I go through this process, I trust that transformation, even if it feels like loss at first, is part and parcel of being a follower of Jesus. And I trust that as we continue in pandemic and heal from fires, resurrection life is happening not just in me, but in our congregation, and the church and the world at large. It may be a different kind of life, but it is God’s life in and among us, for the healing and transformation not only of ourselves but of God’s world.

With gratitude, in the deep peace of the One who has walked this way before us,
Amy+

PS My colleague Pastor Pete Shaw from Crosswalk Church in Napa shared his experience of COVID-related burnout in a sermon with his congregation entitled “Peace be with you: a cautionary tale” last April. Pete’s experience is in many ways parallel to mine, and he has given me permission to share his story with you.