Have you ever known someone who has been hurt by the church? Hurt by a Christian — or someone who says they try to follow Jesus? Have you ever witnessed two people get caught in the web of misunderstanding or disagreement, which ultimately turns into something much larger — hatred, anger, or pain? Or maybe you yourself have been hurt by, or estranged from, someone you love. It happens. In families, among friends, at work — because truly, this is a universal human experience.
Jesus knew this would happen. He knew we would fail each other and feel the frailty of our own emotions. So in Matthew 18, he doesn’t pretend conflict won’t come. Instead, he leaves us instructions — because the truth is, whenever two or more are gathered, it can be really hard to get along.
Sunday’s Gospel passage from Matthew 18:15-20, read from The Message tells us that “if a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell them — work it out between the two of you. If they listen, you’ve made a friend. If they won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If they still won’t listen, tell the church. If they won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront them with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love. Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I’ll be there.”
The Message is a paraphrase, not a literal translation — but we get the point, right? Jesus sets the bar high and doesn’t let his followers off the accountability hook. He tells us plainly that the quality of relationships within the church really matters. He acknowledges quite openly that conflict will happen, even among believers who love each other. Given human brokenness, disagreement and even dissension are inevitable in the church — but how the people of God respond to their conflicts makes all the difference, both for the health of their communities and for the kingdom of heaven.
So how do we do this?
First, lean in where it hurts — choose engagement, not denial. “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault.” When conflict arises, the healthy response is honesty. Don’t let a wounded relationship wither in the shadows. Have the risky, honest conversation and strive for genuine healing, rather than the illusion of peace.
Second, protect one another’s dignity. “…when the two of you are alone.” Engage, but with discretion. We are to protect one another’s privacy, not drag each other through the mud.
Third, take pains to guard the truth. “If you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence.” Sometimes a one-on-one conversation won’t suffice. When that’s the case, Jesus tells the church to bring in a few more people — not to spread gossip, gang up on the wrongdoer, or escalate the conflict, but to make sure the truth is articulated, guarded, and honored.
Fourth, rely upon the Body. “If the member refuses to listen, tell it to the church.” We tend to think of the church as a voluntary association of autonomous individuals. Scripture describes it instead as a body, each part dependent on every other part — and the space between us filled with nothing less than God’s presence: “Where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.” Our refusal to accept this deep spiritual truth doesn’t make it any less true.
Fifth, lament relational brokenness — and leave the door open. Sometimes all efforts at reconciliation fail. Jesus uses the language of losing and regaining, implying that such losses should be met with grief. The fracturing of the body of Christ is never an occasion for gloating. When a relationship breaks, we have lost a limb, an organ, our own flesh and blood.
“If the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” At first glance, this sounds like permission to shun or “cancel” someone. But look at how Jesus actually treated Gentiles and tax collectors — he ate with them, he loved them. He called Matthew, a tax collector, to be a disciple. This isn’t exile. It’s an invitation held open, even in grief.
Even as we grieve brokenness, even as we make painful decisions to safeguard the church, we are called to hold open the possibility of repentance, reconciliation, restoration, and renewal. We are to remain in communion even amid our differences. Matthew 18:15–20 must be understood in light of Jesus’ intention: the basis for treating a struggling brother or sister within this emerging community is love and forgiveness, with the priority of reconciling them back into fellowship.
Sunday’s gospel focuses the church’s attention on those who face the greatest risk, hold the least power, and have the most to lose — often through no fault of their own. Truth-telling and accountability, as Jesus lays them out here, take place best with careful attention to the church’s call to protect the vulnerable, walking alongside in solidarity as they speak up about the harm they’ve experienced. In reading the passage in context of all of Matthew 18, we learn more. Our community exists to protect and pursue our most vulnerable members, and it holds itself together through humility, patience, and forgiveness that mirrors the forgiveness we have already received from God. Greatness is redefined downward, toward the child; sin is dealt with seriously but relationally, not by casting the other aside; and the whole ethic is anchored in the logic of the final parable in the chapter — we forgive because we’ve been forgiven a debt we could never have repaid ourselves.
Questions to Sit With
- Who have you cast aside? How will you redeem them?
- With whom do you need to be reconciled — as the one who was hurt, or the one who caused hurt?
- Are you ready to seek or offer forgiveness?
Start the journey today by praying about the conflict: pray for the other person; ask God to guide you in what steps to take; reread this passage of scripture, asking God to open your heart. Then take one concrete action to begin building a bridge toward forgiveness.
May we be a church community full of grace, love and forgiveness in the world.
Amen!
Deacon Diana
Click here to read or listen to Deacon Diana’s sermon that explores these ideas further!
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